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The boyfriend's EX
Monday, December 20, 2010 | 2 comments
I'm fully aware that almost every person you meet and date, or make your boyfriend/girlfriend, is "used". That is, it's rare to find someone who has never dated anyone else before you, and vice versa. For example, I had my first crush when I was 13. But that guy, at 16, was already attached then. So despite him being the first person I ever had some sort of feeling for, it wasn't the same for him. People come and go, we meet people, we leave people. The entire cycle repeats and mashes together, becomes a mess of happiness and sadness, and sometimes also becomes what people call "*insert number* degrees of separation", or whatever. You get my drift.

And so it is also by no surprise at all that the boyfriend had several exes before me. Same goes for my case, but we're not talking about me here now. Anyway, when I first met A and added him on Facebook and all that jazz, he still had pictures of his ex on his Facebook albums. I assumed it was his girlfriend when I saw them at that point in time, and I thought she was pretty. Me and him were purely just friends then, and I even asked him, "Is that your girlfriend? She's pretty! One glance looks like Lin Chi Ling." But he said that was his ex, and I said, "Oh. But she's still pretty." As we got to know each other more, we told each other about our past relationships, and of course it was crucial to mention the latest one. I guess it was also a way to make sure there was no baggage whatsoever. I can hardly remember what he told me about his ex now. I only know her name is V and I've seen her pictures on Facebook before. There were a few stories, but they were vague (in my mind now they are, anyway) and kinda personal to be put up here. I never did ask about her after that...

............ until recently. Why? Because one fine day, out it popped on A's Facebook, "A and V are now friends." That was fine (although I did question him about it), until I came across a Facebook status on her wall which said:

She promised that would be the last time. The last time was supposed to be on 21st November. But no, in-between or after that Facebook status, she sent him a text along the lines of, "Do you really not care about me anymore..." or something like that. It was so random and out of the blue, I had to attribute it to her being emo at that point in time and couldn't help herself but to text him. He replied her to tell her why they didn't work out. And then on 28th November (which was A's birthday), she sent him a long SMS wishing him happy birthday and mentioning the past about how "this day last year" they did this or that, blah blah. I could tell she was trying to stay cheerful and told him they're still friends. He never replied that one. But all those were enough for me to put my guard up. I did my best to make sure she kept her distance contacting him, including limiting her views to A's Facebook. In the midst of all that, I found her blogs. It didn't take much effort to find the first one, but the second one was a little bit trickier. I didn't ask A for them, I merely searched for them on my own (you'd be surprised just how the Internet works). One old blog, one newer blog. He said she had 4 blogs or something, but those 2 were more than enough for me.

I went through them all, from the earliest entry to the latest one. I scanned through the parts about her school and work, but all of it registered. Obviously the ones that registered the most were the ones about my boyfriend. When I first found her old blog, I went back to view them again and again, trying to sort out my thoughts. I felt funny, despite telling myself that it was in the past. Then I got over it. Then, she'd already found out that she'd been blocked from viewing his Facebook wall, so she did the same to him. But curiosity got the better of me, and I managed to find her newer blog. And that was when I saw an entry dated 22nd November:

I was a little peeved that she implied I stole A from her. From all the stories I heard about her from A, I just felt she had herself to blame because all I did was do what she didn't do: appreciate. He left her because he claimed she didn't appreciate him, took him for granted and one day after 3 on-and-off years, he finally got tired of it. I didn't steal him from her, and I'm certainly not a "that", thank you very much. My whole life, I've stood by my principle of NOT stealing someone else's man. I've never ever allowed myself to be caught in the middle of 2 parties in a relationship. ('Cos besides money, I think that's the most sensitive issue there is out there.) And I'm seriously proud to say that this time is no exception. Therefore I fail to understand why she'd imply that I did. It's amusing. I already asked A about it, and he said they were already not together anymore when he got together with me. Yeah, you can ask me, "But he might be lying, no?" And my answer would simply be, "I didn't sign up for this just to doubt him and fall out of love." And what's even more confusing, is the fact that this V already has a boyfriend. She got a new boyfriend in June, but yet the whole time she was still hung over my boyfriend. I don't know which is worse; making her boyfriend 2nd or her boyfriend actually being okay with coming in 2nd. A and I had a conversation the other time...:

Him: I pity the boyfriend lah...
Me: Why?
Him: 'Cos he got the girl but he don't have her heart.
Me: *pause* So now I have your heart and she doesn't, but she wants it. Who's gonna pity her then...?
Him: Duno, her parents maybe.

The entire conversation was said in such a laidback, logical and mundane manner, it was kinda surprising. The ex said:

But she's still... Still turning back to eat the grass she's already passed by. It's been a few days since I found and read her blogs, and funnily enough the more I read, the more I felt genuinely sorry for her:

I understand how it is to be nursing a broken heart. I totally get it. Been there, done that (not too long ago too... worst heartbreak EVER, hands-down). Everyone has. But I'm sorry I have to be selfish, because no sane person in the right frame of mind would say, "Oh, you still like him? I'm sorry, you can have him back." Besides, A chose to leave in the first place and like he said, he's not a toy to be passed around. And on top of that, I didn't break them up anyway. So as much as I feel sorry for her, I'm really supposed to be out of this picture. I confided in a friend about this entire issue, and she told me V just wants to win. If I let her have A back, they're just gonna get together for 2 weeks and break up again because of their own issues. And when that happens and he moves on to another girl - whoever it might be, the same thing would happen. V would hate the girl and wanna win again. Just that in this case, the girl happens to be me. In other words, being A's girlfriend now, I automatically become a bitch to V. She doesn't have to know what kind of person I am, I just have to be the bad person. I get it. For some reason I don't hate her; I just feel sorry for her. And there's no sarcasm intended here. If I wanna be nasty, I can totally be nasty. Trust me, I can be. It's not like none of you have seen it anyway. But I choose not to, because at the end of the day, A's girlfriend is ME. I don't want to let this girl I've never even met before (even though we stay in the same district), accuse me of stealing her ex-boyfriend and let it affect me. I don't like drama.

I would never have bothered finding out anything about her if all those stuff didn't surface. She wasn't the only ex A had, so why just her, correct? Hence, this cannot be stalking. Rather, I shall call it "checking up on her". I believe she's done the same to me as I have to her: attempt to find out about me online. If she's Googled me, she'd surely have found my blog. I'm easier to find than she is, so definitely no problems there, huh? If she did and she comes back often, then she'd see this. And I know what might happen next: 1) her Facebook wall will never show up on A's Facebook again and she might even delete him, 2) she might change her blog URL or privatise everything, 3) she might bitch about me on her Facebook or blog, tell her friends about me etc (if she hasn't done so already), or 4) all of the above. But I told myself, it's just as well that everyone moves on together. I might be in no position to tell her to feel better or ask her how she's doing but I hope she picks herself up soon. I'm hardly gonna raise my hands up and yell, "I come in peace!!" anyway.

The people whom I've showed her pictures to, commented that I looked wayyy better, and she was only so-so. I don't know if they were just trying to make me feel better or if it's really their own personal honest opinion. But if that is so, then I shall put it down as what I call "THE EX SYNDROME". Even if she wasn't a looker or whatever, I would still feel wary just 'cos she is "the ex". Get what I mean? And she's been through "The Ex Syndrome" as well anyway, because if she hasn't she wouldn't have tailed A's ex before her, like she said so herself in her blog post. Just that I feel her syndrome is a little OTT........... =X

In the beginning, I wanted to ask her to find proof of me stealing A from her. And I even suggested she look in the mirror, although even that, cannot reflect how she is inside, after all the stuff I've heard from A. But now I've had time to think about it, I realise that I cannot judge her for who she is on the inside, and that whatever problems she had with A when they were together, are their problems. I also feel that she's still young, confused... a little fluttery and a little unsettled. Which is okay, because that's what being young is about right? She's hardly like, 80. And neither am I, might I add. Reading her posts made me feel I'd already been there, done that. And then it hit me: the proof to show I never stole A from her. It was all right there on her blogs, all those posts she made about them arguing, breaking up, on shaky ground... All those before I showed up. It's not like I suddenly jumped in-between them while they were still doing good. And plus, she got a new boyfriend in JUNE. I got together with A in September. She started a new relationship before he did. How can I steal him when she was the one who got a new boyfriend first? Doesn't make sense, right? Well, I suppose it'd only make sense if it means she was two-timing. And if she was, then doesn't A have every right to leave? Which he did, and then subsequently got together with me? Whatever it is, I was the "after". So, my conscience is clear as crystal (woohoo, just like my name to begin with!). And because this is so, I've also decided to unprivatise A's Facebook from her now because there is nothing to hide.

I'm trying really hard not to be mean... As clichéd as it sounds, everyone deserves to be happy. But however, with that said, I also would like to stress that because that is so, there is absolutely no need to steal someone else's happiness. Don't force things that you know are not meant to be. It'd just backfire on you in the end, so yeah. I hope you know where I'm coming from, V. It took quite a few years to make you see that you and him weren't meant to be; actually, it took less than that. It just prolonged because of your denial. It happens. But right now, you're still in denial. He is mine now. I didn't steal, I didn't force, I didn't lift a finger. If you want to talk about being wrong, then don't start your first mistake by continuing to stick around.

So long.

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